The Forever Argument

We read a book by Dr. John Gottman a few years back about relationship improvement. There was a concept he discusses wherein there are multiple argument types and there are different ways to a solution for each. I'm paraphrasing here but basically there are short-term problems. Like "what will we eat for dinner?" Or "who will take Toby to the vet tomorrow?" There's a finite solution and you must reach the answer quickly. Then it passes. Second, there are intermediate problems. Like "how will we save for our vacation or retirement?"  These problems take longer- weeks to years - but again there is a finite solution and eventually the dilemma resolves itself. Then finally there are the Forever problems - ones that resurface over and over and don't really have a solution. Problems like "you sometimes order me around and it belittles me" or "you don't seem to notice the details and that bothers me". Basically the idiosyncrasies of individuals that are not deal breakers. 

Now statistically speaking, if you are awake and around the same person for 16-18 hours per day the odds that they will chance a snarky comment or offending tone increase greatly. Such is the situation with Bill and I and the van. 

Day 8 or 9 in the van (and about day 30 or so of our total trip) and we required a few days of "real talk".  

So we have the same recurring "forever problems" that we've always had. That I can have harsh start ups or can be aggressive or sound as if I'm ordering Bill around. And that Bill appears in his own head and seems to forget or ignore me. We have fortunately, though, up until now, had a glorious honeymoon period lasting from about 2014-2016 where these Forever problems didn't really plague us. We were generally satisfied in all aspects of life and thus the triviality of scattered aloofness or harshness went ignored under the overarching umbrella of happiness. 

I should note as well that travel, though novel and exciting, also breeds a new kind of uncertainty and ambiguity that throws your years of relationship practice aside. The same domestic rules don't apply. I find that I have a sense of "relearning" to be Bill's partner in each of our new settings. 

So with the insecurities of unknown, the role reversals I spoke of earlier and the statistical probability that ill-perceived comments will arise more often we have had to address our "forever arguements" again. 

We did that yesterday and today. 

We hiked the Tongariro Alpine Crossing on January 8.  January 7th was blue skies and visibility for miles. January 8th was not. Fortunately we brought plenty of warm weather gear (but not gloves. Why not gloves?! They were in the car. We never bring gloves) but the weather was still pretty brutal. The Crossing is a ridiculously popular trip for tourists. I've heard estimates from 1000 to 5000 tourists complete the Crossing each day. The Crossing is not technically challenging. The path is so well maintained and wide. Even in horrible weather we completed the 18.9km track in 5 hours when the typical recommended time is 6hrs 30 min. It should be incredibly beautiful with views of Mt. Doom and Mt. Ruapehu when the skies are clear. Views of glacial green lakes and a Martian landscape carved by millions of years of volcanic activity. We didn't see much of that but we should have. On a particularly precarious part of the trail - about 10 feet wide with steep drop offs into volcanic craters on either side and sideways wind blowing at 50mph and visibility at about 10 feet - I felt (reasonably, in my opinion) scared. Oh I forgot to mention that the day before some local hikers told us that a tourist had been blown off the trail by strong winds just a few days prior and had to be rescued by helicopter. During that particular section, I picked up my pace in order to more quickly get to the north side of the mountain where we'd be protected from the wind. Bill on the other hand (kind of not surprisingly really if you consider he had a blast camping in Vermont huts in January in -10 degree weather) was strolling along, hands in pockets, taking it all in with a smile.  

"Come on!" I urged when he got 30 paces or so behind me and could hardly see him. 

"What?" He said. 

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Okay then how come you're going so slowly?"

That was it. Our forever argument.  I was freezing and scared and wanted Bill to pay more attention to my fear and help me through the scary part and Bill didn't see my fear at all and wanted to enjoy the hike and couldn't understand why I was so pushy and adamant about his pace. So we talked about that. And the rest of our forever argument and the many ways it resurfaces for 2 days. 

Tonight, we both agree that in marriage there is only constant practice and that our relationship will always change and evolve. We acknowledge that part of this trip was to know each other better and that though messy at times it's a positive thing that we are continuing to work out kinks in our interactions. 

Tonight we feel satisfied again but no doubt this van had more in store for us.